17 Things to discuss before you get married

Most people want to get married, some want to be monks, nuns, priests while the others don’t want to be married put keep partners. So what is marriage? According to Wikipedia;

Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock is a culturally recognized union between people called spouses. It establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws.

That’s one way to put it. Well, Marriage is a union between two people from different backgrounds who choose to love each other and spend their lives together till the day they die – at least that’s how I see it.

So now the question is; why do you want to get married? With everything happening these days, people marrying for the wrong reasons …Before you get married, you should ask these questions:

Why do you want to get married?

Yeah, I met one guy where I work and as usual, he started asking me out. We went out on one date and I knew he wasn’t the one.

He kept talking about how he wanted to get away from his family (mum and siblings) and wants a woman that well could take care of herself and her family since he has a handful with his own. Though he didn’t say it directly, everything he said just showed the kind of husband he would be.

He kept saying things like I should figure out the type of business to do, that we can’t both be salary earners, SMH. So after all these rants, I just asked him a question- why do you want to get married?

It took him a while to answer that and what he could say was he wants to be happy. I asked if he wasn’t happy right now, that if the reason he wants to get married is “to be happy”, what if his significant other can’t give him that.

I told him, he has to be happy on his own first, that marriage should be about two individuals complementing each other and bringing the best out of each other. Not one-sided or one person taking from the other. He was just staring at me in awe.

So this needs to be discussed so you know the type of person you want to say “I do” to.

If you want to have children

This is a very good one. I’m not saying you go on one date and start asking about children (unless you are overdue for marriage, then get that out of the way immediately) but it’s important to know if your partner wants to have children or not.

This has to be discussed so there won’t be any confusion later. Cause if you eventually get married and the man doesn’t want children probably because they have outside the marriage, he could be doing things secretly to prevent you from getting pregnant and vice versa.

Finances

Who is the big spender, who is in debt, who manages money better, if you want a separate or joint account?

You should know each other’s spending habits if any of you have any debt, if you want a joint, separate account or both. This should help you manage your finances and plan for your future – if that involves kids or not.

Deal breakers and bucket list

Deal breaker means what you really cannot tolerate or stand; this has to be discussed so you know you shouldn’t cross that line with your partner.

A bucket list means what you would like to do before you leave this world -though it’s not a must you know this, it could be fun; knowing if your future spouse would love to jump out of aeroplanes and all that crazy stuff.

Religion and Values

Another important question- whether you are a Christian, Muslim, Hindu… This needs to be discussed and how you plan to incorporate it into your lives because this can also affect your future kid’s religious path.

If you both happen to be in a different religion, I think it’s best to stick to one so you don’t confuse the kids and if doesn’t feel like there is no unity in the family.

Strengths and weaknesses

You guys should talk about your strengths and weaknesses; house chores you enjoy doing and the ones you don’t. And see how you guys can share or do it together. Do you like grocery shopping and the other person cooking? Do you like to wash the dishes or do laundry and does the other person like to iron or vacuum the house?

When you have kids; who would like to prepare them for school and who doesn’t mind taking them to school? You know, things like that.

This is necessary so you know how to share chores and no one will feel burnt out at the end of the day.

Where you want to live, settle or retire, dream home

Yeah, someone like me, when my entrepreneur journey kicks off, I would like to move to another country to raise my future children- especially with the situation in Nigeria; security issues and cost of living.

So, this is important to discuss with your partner cause you don’t know if he wants to stay and raise his family in your country (it might not even be country, it could be different states). Find out so you both can be on the same page.

Sex

Well, sex is important in a relationship and like strengths and weaknesses, you should ask your partner how often they want sex and how they want it. I know it takes the sexy out of it but what I’m saying is this; some people are freaky, kinky you name it…in bed and they need someone that could maintain that momentum or vibe with them.

If you are the type that doesn’t always want sex, or you have it depending on your mood. Being with someone that wants it any chance they get is not the right fit for you.
Discuss this and tell them what you can and cannot do, if the other person is cool with it, then you are good to go.

Emotional needs

You know with everything going on in the world now and people being particular about mental health, your future spouse should know your triggers. What sets you off, so they don’t have to do that to you. Or if they notice someone else doing it to you, they can be able to comfort and protect you.

Career

You might be doing a job now but it’s not what you want for your career. Your partner needs to know what your career plans are and how they may affect both of you in the future. Especially when your paths are not in the same direction; I’ve seen couples that live in separate countries because of the career they chose –it works for some while it doesn’t for others.

Likes and dislikes

Your likes could be about food, houses, and countries to go to…What you love to do in your spare time. This will enable you to know the kind of life you would live when you get settled and if it suits you.

Health – Physical and mental

I remember my university friend; she met a guy that wanted to marry her and he told her that before they get intimate, they would need to go to the hospital to run some test. We laughed about it back then but thinking about it now, he was doing the right thing.

Some churches do this where couples planning to wed will do a medical test. I think it’s important that you both know your health status; both physically and mentally before you say ‘I do”.

Personality

Hmm, I know you are wondering how you just ask about someone’s personality. Well, if you have not been able to figure out who your partner is, then it’s only fair you ask them. It can just be the basic stuff like if the person is an introvert/ extrovert or if they have anger issues…

As an introvert, I love to stay indoors any chance I get, like you have to drag me out to attend any event. So if you are like me and you have an extrovert for a partner, you should know beforehand so you can plan how you manage attending events – after all marriage is all about compromise.

Vacations

While we all love to go on vacations, sometimes our job does not permit us to do so. So as hopeful future couples, you need to plan your vacations. This comes down to spending as well; how much are you willing to spend on vacations and how often would you take vacations.

What is your love language?

According to Dr Chapman, we have five primary love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Mine is in this order; quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts and physical touch –yeah that’s my least. I don’t always like to be touched – Yes I’m weird, deal with it *tongue out*.

Talk about your childhood

This is another important one. Most people love based on how they grew up; our parents are like our first teachers in life, so watching your parents and how they love and treat each other has an impact on how you would love your partner.

So it’s paramount that you talk about the person’s childhood – how their parents were to each other, how they are with their siblings. With this, you would have an idea of the kind of husband/wife and father/ mother they would be.

Secrets

Ask questions from their past: do they have a secret love child, what their past relationships were like, whether they were in some sort of secret cult (lol don’t come for me), murdered anyone, been in jail, family issues…

Though it’s great you talk about all these things, it shouldn’t be used against your partner in the future, no matter what it is. The point of this is to get to know yourselves before you get married and see how you guys can make spending the rest of your life worthwhile.

At the end of the day, it’s about understanding yourself better as you begin this new chapter in your life. Don’t get it twisted, you will see more in the marriage that you never saw while you were dating but with these other things off the way, you have a pretty good idea of who you are getting with.