My experience with a Fuccboi in my 30’s

Okay, so guys I had my experience with a “Fuccboi” – it is actually F—k boy (you can check urban dictionary on Google for this one) but I’m guessing you already know. Joined Tinder like seven to eight months ago and it was going well…I met different guys; the ones that asked for money, the ones that clearly wanted to just hookup, the ones that was about to get married but looking for some fun, while some are looking for friends and others are looking to hookup but are not upfront with it.

The Beginning

Well I encountered all but the last one really got me, you know why? He wasted my time. This particular guy and I started chatting in August. You know, the thing about dating thing is that, before you decide to put yourself out there- you are good; sleeping better; eating right, trying to get some exercise in the morning, whatever you want…you know just taking your time.

And the minute you decide let me try again and like my case end up with a fuccboi, you start to lose all those things you had before you put yourself out there.

It just made me realize that most dating apps (I said most and not all because people actually meet their spouse there) are just for hookup; maybe only five percent of people meet their spouse there.

The thing is, I wasn’t really looking for anything; it was during the lock down, I downloaded the app but didn’t use it until July last year. But as I began to use it, I felt “this could actually work”, I could meet my significant other there, I could be that five percent.

Who I’m I kidding? Nothing easy has ever come my way; I’ve never won a bet before or been amongst the lucky ones.  Anyways, I just thought I should give it a try and if I meet someone awesome then lucky me. But I didn’t plan to be close to anyone, unless I’m sure of how serious the person is and if I’m interested.

I met different guys with different scenario but the one I want to talk about is this one cause it lasted longer than I hoped it would.

The Fuccboi or Fboy

When this guy; let’s call him Tim started chatting with me, I was okay and looking back I realized he had always had a pattern. Like he would chat me up for days and for other days (mostly weekends), he doesn’t chat me up. I didn’t see it as anything because we were not involved right?

But with time, we started getting close- he even announced it’s time we do video call since he feels like we are friends now. Though we have seen each other’s picture, when we did video call, seeing him live, there was this instant attraction. The calls became a usual thing; he would call me Monday- Friday but Saturdays and sometimes Sundays, he would go AWOL.

Though he mentioned earlier in our conversations that he has a side hustle that he does, that takes most of his time on Saturdays, he also talked about how his ex used to complain about his absenteeism but I wasn’t really paying attention –like I said we were just friends.

Things I wasn’t paying attention to unfolds…

After planning in December that though he would be traveling, we would do video call and I might even get to meet his niece and nephew… Silly me, I was delighted. Well, that didn’t happen! Yes, we made just one video call and he was alone in a dark room.

Anyways, I wasn’t really upset with him, after all we are not dating but I was just not impressed with his inconsistency. Then in January, he fell ill and we were not really communicating as we used to, I actually brought it up but he had a good explanation.  My concern was mostly in December; why we were not really in touch but I eventually decided to let it go.

So he got better and we started our usual communication and then out of the blue he said he wants to see me -he was probably bored in the office (I didn’t know at the time). I thought he was joking but he wasn’t, so I sent my office address and he came around -mind you this is the first time we are meeting.

We finally meet…

He came around and parked somewhere outside my office building, we sat there and talked – he said I’m really tall, I said yeah that I told him. He said most girls are not really honest about their height that I’m even taller than he imagined… You know, we have been in constant communication that we talked about everything and it felt like we had seen each other already. Guys, we even kissed. Like this is the first time, I let someone I’m meeting for the first time kiss me and we were not even on a date.

He wasn’t a good kisser but he looked just like his pictures; little skinnier but he is an attractive man.  The meeting was on a Friday, he went back to his office and we chatted a little and that was it.

Would you believe I didn’t hear from him throughout the weekend after? I know we usually don’t communicate on Saturdays but I thought since we saw and we both liked what we saw and had an amazing time; there should be a follow up. But there wasn’t.

I didn’t contact him either since I was trying to figure out what the kiss meant. On Monday, he contacted me and as usual we talked – I asked why I didn’t hear from him and he didn’t have any reason. I was not very happy with it.

Had some concerns –what are we?

After discussing with a friend, he said I should ask him what this means, which is a logical question since we have been communicating for over six months. And I’m not going to lie, I spent most of my time either voice calling or video chatting with him.

So I asked if we could find time to talk, he was driving so he said we should talk the next day, if his boss is not around. But I guess he could tell that it was important even though I was willing to wait till the next day when we have enough time. He kept chatting while “driving” asking “what’s up” and I asked what we were doing…He kept dodging the question ,saying things like “for me to be happy” until I directly asked what he wanted and what we were doing .

He wrote that he said he wasn’t really looking for anything serious, that he told me about how his ex always nagged him for not being present and keeping in touch that he has always said “if it happens it happens. So I typed back, saying I had no idea he wasn’t looking for anything serious ,that yes he told me of his ex and that was some time ago, I never knew he was still in that mode.

I just said okay and he asked what I wanted, told him I wanted someone that is emotionally available and ready to be in a relationship. He said okay and then said “Sorry if I led you on”. And I said, it’s fine that I’m glad he clarified. He wanted to go about talking about his work but it was really late and I needed to sleep. Besides, I was really distraught about everything and wondering what we have been doing – I wasn’t about to waste any more second of my time.

The next day, he called (on WhatsApp voice call as usual) but I didn’t pick and he sent me a message, asking if we are good and if not I should tell him so we can move on from it.

You see, to him it was nothing – we are friends but you could still show me your boobs and kiss me sometimes *rolling eyes*. But to me it was like okay we started as friends, we are clearly attracted to each other, I spent most of my time communicating with you ,so we really vibe well –therefore it’s time we take it to the next level. But we were obviously not on the same level.

Tried to Friend-zone

I called him back that I’ll talk to him later that I’m really busy. I didn’t get back to him –excuse me for trying to reset my emotions after you just made me feel like I was crazy or moving too fast! So it took me like two to three days max, to tell myself that, this guy did not officially ask you out, you guys just vibed well and you just assumed. Don’t scold him, besides he seems to be a friend, so keep it that way.

So I planned to really keep it platonic until he was ready to take it to the next level (that’s if I’m still available) He probably noticed I was distancing myself but then I wasn’t anymore; if he contacts me I pick but keep it short, when he tries to be mushy ,I brush it off.

He kept on trying to talk sexy or about sexy things but I wasn’t interested. I told him to stop talking about those things because we are just friends and he said he is stubborn, that whether I reciprocate or not, he will keep doing it. And I told him to respect my opinion, that I don’t discuss such stuff with friends unless it’s about other people, that we should keep it friendly.

Well, that (Friend-zone) didn’t work

That was how we revisited that awkward one week (yeah the friend-zoning took a week) and he said he felt ambushed with those questions, that he really likes me but he didn’t want to feel pressured. And I said we have been in contact for six months, how was I pressuring him? He said after going through our chats, he realized he didn’t handle the conversation well, that he felt kind of sad; he even said his colleague asked what was the problem that he noticed her hasn’t been acting like himself.

That he really wants to be with me and though he has issues with keeping in touch that he would try. I said he shouldn’t try to be someone else, that he should do what is best for him and he said no one can influence him, that he is willing to make an effort. Well, I fell for it and decided to give him a chance.

Valentine Official?

That was the week before Valentine. I spoke to my friend that told me to ask Tim of his intentions and he was like so you have a boyfriend now, lol. To be honest, I wasn’t sure myself because I’m still trying to see if we could be an item. So I said; I don’t know maybe…

So I asked Tim if we could see on Valentine’s Day but he said he is not one to go out during festive seasons that it’s usually crowded.  To be honest, I’m also not keen on going out during festive period so I said it was fine but that we should be able to talk well on that day since it’s a Sunday – don’t know if he heard me.

The weekend before Valentine, he told me he would be attending a wedding, I don’t know if it was some form of heads-up to let me know we won’t be in constant communication. Whenever I call he won’t pick, only for him to call me but then maybe I’m in the bathroom or not with my phone. We just kept missing each other’s calls and ended up communicating less.

Then like clockwork he called on Monday while I was in the office, I picked and jokingly (but meant it) said I felt like I pursued him all weekend- I just didn’t want to seem like a nag. And I was getting really tired of complaining about not spending time on the phone with him on weekends. Since he stays in his parents’ house, I even suggested I come spend a Saturday at his place (I know! What was I thinking?) –yeah, I really liked him.

Getting tired and confused

When I kept “whining” about the weekend that this is not how I do dating, he asked if I want to breakup and I was like; “Breakup? Is this how he dates?” That I don’t even know what I’m breaking up from… He said he doesn’t know what else to do, that it seems I want him to call me every second. I said that is not what I want but that we barely communicate as much on weekends and he kept saying it’s not something he is used to but that he told me is willing to try.

I didn’t want it to seem like I didn’t give him a chance, it was barely a week. So I said I didn’t want to “break up”, and we continued (deceiving ourselves or maybe just me).

We were in constant communication Monday to Friday and would you believe that he didn’t contact me throughout the Valentine weekend? I didn’t bother to call, since I know he would barely pick and I might just end up getting pissed – I didn’t want anything to ruin my weekend.  I think I sent a message on Saturday, no reply, I even called, he didn’t pick, then called after an hour in his car, saying he is just leaving the salon.

He didn’t look happy to see me – you know when you just call someone to answer attendance? Like you hope they don’t pick but you call anyways, just so you can say you called? Anyways, his vibe was off in the video call and the network was poor, so I said he should call when he gets home. That was a Saturday (he even updated his status on WhatsApp later that day), he didn’t call Sunday (Valentine), and I didn’t bother to call as well since he didn’t return my call.

Resist the manipulation

I made up my mind to block him on Monday – wasn’t ready for the rollercoaster “you didn’t call me; I’m trying to be better or whatever excuse he would come up with. I blocked him before dawn on Monday and like clockwork at 9am he tried to call my line (probably after trying on WhatsApp and could not reach me).

How did I know he called? I saw his missed call; you know when you block someone, they can’t reach you and it won’t ring on your end but you will get a missed call notification.

So yeah, that’s my experience with a fuccboi in my 30’s, was it my first time? Probably not (sometime in my twenties) but this one was the longest. I value my time so much and I really spent it with this one.

Fuccboi’s just have a way of making you feel special at first, like they can actually be friends and nothing attached. Then the minute they notice they got your attention, they start making passes at you indirectly, and make you feel like its normal to have such relations (hooking up, sexting and doing everything people in relationships do) with a friend.

They are time wasters and have nothing to offer. So I did the best thing for my mental health and fled. They are not worth it. I was beginning to wonder if he was married or probably in a very serious relationship –even though he made it seem like he is not.

I was also wondering if I was harsh about blocking him but trust me, it was the best decision I have ever made this year. It took a few days but I’m happy I did and I feel so relaxed – also gradually getting back to my routine (was very unproductive during the period with that guy).

PS: I deleted Tinder, it’s not for me and I’ll meet my man the old fashioned way (In-person)!

Until we gist again, kisses!